


Fcked Six Ways to Sunday

by KelseyCat26



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste Is Sunshine, Adrien knows sarcasm, Adrinette, Aged-Up Character(s), Auction doesn't happen, Awkwardness, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Charity Auctions: Adrien's virginity, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't take it too seriously, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Crack, Happy Ending, Hawk Moth is Gabriel Agreste, Hot Mess Adrien Agreste, Identity Reveal, Ladynoir | Adrien Agreste as Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng as Ladybug, Long chapter names, Loss of Virginity, Lots of Cursing, Made For Each Other, Marichat, Marinette is just a good friend, Marinette volunteers for tribute, Oblivious Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, POV Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Rebel Adrien, Vaginal Sex, crack...once again, ladrien, questionable events in the universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelseyCat26/pseuds/KelseyCat26
Summary: The moment Adrien turned 18, he had plans for his gaining his freedom.All his plans for freedom disappeared when it turns out your father decided to auction of your virginity in the name of fashion. Oh, wait you have to get married, and have children too?Absolutely not. In other words, Adrien's rebels...and life has a funny way of working out.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe
Comments: 30
Kudos: 141





	1. Prologue: Dutiful Son Meets 18 Years Old…Hello, nice to meet you. What the was worst that could Happen?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hi, so this monster is still being worked on. As of now...it's at least 70 pages in Microsoft word. I just lost two chapters today because of a computer update...so I decided to have a pick me up. Just warning you now, everything is from Adrien's perspective and in all of his sunshine, sarcastic glory. There is questionable language...if you don't like reading profanity in your fics....this may not be for you.

Prologue: Dutiful Son Meets 18 Years Old…Hello, nice to meet you. What the was worst that could Happen?

From whenever he could remember, Adrien did what he was told. 

Wear This.

Walk Like that.

Stand up straight.

Eyes Forward. 

Act Confident. 

Obey. 

Learn this. Do that. Listen to me. 

All the directions sure helped his modeling career, not that it was in any danger in the first place…considering that he was his father’s model for the company.  
While he was younger, his ‘routine’ was comforting in a way, especially after his mother disappeared. When he was fourteen, he realized how much of his life was a prison sentence. No time for school, he had to rebel against that one and surprisingly won. No time for friends, he made do and evolved, lots of facetime, and texting interactions saved his ever-growing social life. No time to be himself with freedom…well, a little box with a black cat kwami had changed that. Despite Plagg’s obsession with stinky of cheeses, and sarcasm as he breathed, gave Adrien an experience that invaluable, such as meeting the love of his life. Ladybug. 

Over the last four years, he battled side by side with her. He only flirted with her when it looked like she was down. He gave her roses only on the important days…only yellow ones for friendship…or was it orange? That didn’t matter…then the most important aspect was she was there by his side. Even if they couldn’t say anything about their civilian lives. It was nice to having a living, breathing person sitting next to him as they looked at the moon, kicked ass, and played chase in the Parisian skyline. 

It was his birthday, so he allotted himself kissing her hand, which earned him a fond smile and boop on the nose. It was worth it. After all, at home, his birthday was clear disappointment. His father wasn’t there, and Nathalie only offered him a small ice cream. Which he was a little grateful for…since ice cream wasn’t on his diet. 

After missing so many of his birthdays, the sting of it moved into a numbing pinprick. Speaking of that, Adrien had received gifts from all his friends. Mariette gave him gloves; he could find her signature in the cuff. She had made them for him. It reminded him that he has friends, close, best friends, and that was something to be thankful about. And he thanked each of them with a hug! 

He was eighteen! A legal breathing adult, and maybe with some convincing, he could share a flat with someone…or even just get his own. He had enough money from his modeling…but was only allowed to have an allowance…but he’s been saving! There was a boom in the distance. He shared a look with his Lady and followed her wordlessly. 

After tonight, everything would change! He was sure of it!


	2. Chapter 1: Virginity is Only Thought of as a Social Construct…or Otherwise Known as Breaking Adrien’s Sunshine Romantic Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: An actual chapter...let's get this party started!

Chapter 1: Virginity is Only Thought of as a Social Construct…or Otherwise Known as Breaking Adrien’s Sunshine Romantic Heart

Adrien woke to one sharp knock at his door. He groaned. He didn’t dare look to see what time it is. He already knew, which meant he only got four hours of sleep after fighting that akuma last night…What was it? The Granny Rocker? An old woman who was akumatized because her grandchildren never called her anymore. He could relate to that level of loneliness. It was a quick battle, purification, and they spent the rest of the night patrolling under the stars. Adrien sighed, just thinking about it made his heart skip a beat. He so loved that girl. 

With thoughts of red and black spots soaring through his head, Adrien rolled over on his back and threw his arm over his eyes. Last night was magical, even with the akuma. Adrien could still hear her smothered giggles in the air from his puns. He could still feel her hands on his waist as she crashed them out of way of knitting needles…of all things….He so wishes he could go back to bed. Maybe he would dream of her. But to his utter disappointment, even before he had a chance to respond to the knock, it clicked open, following by more telltale clicking of high heels across his floor. Here comes his schedule for the day… 

“Your father is downstairs in the dining room. He wishes to speak with you.”

Adrien immediately sat up in bed… “Really?” 

“Don’t keep him waiting, he’s a busy man.”

Adrien tracked Nathalie as she crossed the room and left with door clicking closed behind her. Adrien knew how busy his father was, after all, he missed his birthday, and before that…it’s been months since he last saw him. Throwing off his covers, Adrien was a tiny bit hopeful. Maybe his father was just busy, and this was making up for yesterday. He quickly got ready, showered, gelled, dressed in his usual favorite clothing choices…his black three-striped shirt, white pullover, and jeans, and tossed a piece of camembert cheese in the air for Plagg. The small God of destruction was quiet this morning. 

Adrien glanced over to the black kwami who made the cheese disappear in one bite. Green eyes narrowed at back at him. “What do you want? You gonna give me more cheese?”

“You were unusually quiet this morning. I thought you went mute.”

Plagg stuck out his tongue and vanished into Adrien’s front pocket. “You wish Kitten.”

Adrien rolled his eyes at the pet name. It had been four years going strong. He gathered everything, he needed for school on this early Monday morning. “When are you going to stop calling me that?”

“When you stop asking.”

Their conversation stopped when Gorilla opened the door, and the overly large man nodded his head in a small greeting. Adrien returned the greeting with a small smile of his own. He could feel his bodyguard follow him downstairs and into the dining room. 

The doors shut behind them with a click. Adrien quietly watched Nathalie return to his father’s side at the dining room table. She was standing behind his father’s chair. Instead of breakfast on the table before him, paperwork, and a tablet was fixed in his hand. Adrien flinched when his father’s eyes found him, then flickered over to his empty chair. A small breakfast, egg whites, were sitting on a plate before his chair. Adrien wordlessly sat down and poked at his breakfast. He still felt the stare that made him feel just like a child and nothing like the eighteen-year-old that he just celebrated. Adrien tried to shrink in his chair. His height, a little over six foot, did nothing to help him hide from the pressure.

“I heard that you celebrated your birthday with your friends, Adrien.”

“Yes, at school, Father.”

“Were you pleased?”

There was a chill that flashed down his spine as his mind screamed ‘trap’. He had learned over the years about his father’s mind tricks, tests, and traps. If Adrien said the wrong thing, his words could be used against him. Much like the time he missed Nino’s birthday, and Adrien, he was careless, ended up being ‘grounded’ at home for the weekend. 

Adrien inhaled quietly and reached for the glass of water before him. He took a sip, hoping to swallow the build up of words that just rested at the tip of his tongue. It was all sharp barbs, he knew if he let those words escape, there might be hell to pay. He put down the glass with a smile on his face.

“I was.”

Short answers were the safest. His Father hated the babbling of any sort. Or strong personalities. Or loud people. It was surprising enough that his Father even had the patience for his friends, who got to come over to his house as many times as he could count…on one hand. 

His Father nodded once, as if happy with his answer. Then the tablet went onto the table.

Uh no. 

Slender fingers threaded together, and sharp eyes met Adrien’s. Oh shit. What did he do?

Adrien resisted the urge to turn away as his brain went through everything that had happened over the courses of a few months. Could his father know that he was skipping out on piano? Goofing off during fencing? Talking with Master Fu about being the Black Cat Miraculous. Could his Father know about everything? He quickly shoved a bite of egg white into his mouth, tasting like ash, as he slowly chewed, and attempted to formulate some reasons. His Father still stared at him. 

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Oh…

“You are still a virgin, is that correct?”

Shit? Every explanation he was creating…stopped, crashed, and reboot. Adrien felt the fire red blush from his face to his toes. Adrien coughed on the food in his mouth. Then received a small crash course of whiplash when Gorilla smacked his back two times. Adrien’s eyes watered but he was still shocked. Even with Adrien’s near dying…maybe not quite…his Father powered forward in the conversation.

“That’s all the answer I need. Good. We have an opportunity to work with Barely, the American Clothing company overseas. It is an opportunity to get Argeste Fashions networking in the United States.”

Adrien knew that was the company goal…

“The angle they are going with a play on words, ‘barely legal’, and they are looking for a fresh face to promote their line. To promote this line, both companies have brainstormed a charity event that would promote the true vision.”

“What does that have to do with me…and…” Adrien was not going to finish that sentence. He…hasn’t even kissed a girl, not even when he loved Kagami way back when but wasn’t ready to do anything…In his heart…everything that was him belonged to one girl, even if she loved someone else. 

“We are going to use your virgin status and bid it off.”

Adrien’s fork dropped from his hand and clattered onto the floor. 

“What?”

Not even thoughts of Ladybug could soothe the shockwaves of emotion in his heart. In fact, thinking about her, just made everything hurt so much more.

Adrien heard movement behind his back, and large fingers delivered the fork back in his hand as if nothing happened. Just for it for fall from his fingers again.   
As if his Father was not destroying every concept of making love to his future love in his mind, body, and soul. Adrien swallowed heavily, “Father…”

“Virginity is a social construct, it means nothing. You will do this.”

Now, going back to the beginning, Adrien had done lots of things to appease his father, to even gain his love. But this, this was asking more than what Adrien could possibly give for the sake of his father, and the success of the company.

Even he could not hold back the tone of pleading as one word spilled from Adrien’s lips. “Father..” 

His Father pushed away from the table and stood. Making Adrien feel just as small as before, if not smaller. “I’m not finished.”

Adrien placed his hands in his lap to keep them from shaking. His hands balled into fists. 

“I’m listening.”

From saying those words, Adrien felt like things were going to get a lot worse.


	3. Chapter 2: Newsflash, There’s More…Auctions aren’t Only for Houses, Property, and Animals…But For His Hand, His Dick, and Future Offspring…Well Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi wow. So to clarify...hopeful no one is going to think that sunshine boy is getting hurt in this fic....those kinds of fics are a no-go for me. So no, Adrien will have an happy ending...in every way in this fic...the first couple of chapters just make him sad.

Chapter 2: Newsflash, There’s More…Auctions aren’t Only for Houses, Property, and Animals…But For His Hand, His Dick, and Future Offspring…Well Shit.

And he was right.

Most of the time, he was okay with being right. Being right always got him good grades, earning a great reputation as a model, and bragging rights with a certain bug who was also his lady. He could already see flashes of her tongue sticking out at him. He almost smirked at the memory. 

But he was not in front of his lady, and it wasn’t for bragging rights. It wasn’t in the Parisian skyline and under the stars. 

In this instance, being told what to do…who to do…, Adrien wished he were wrong.

“We are going to auction off your virgin status in a charity event. We already have the ‘winner’, not someone below us, someone you are familiar with so you would be at ease. You will get engaged in two months’ time, married in one, then have children before you are nineteen as agreed upon in both parties. What time is it, Nathalie?”

“8o’clock, sir.”

“Perfect. We have created commercials about the line and the charity event, and of you, they should have played a bit ago.”

Adrien blinked at the bluntness that was his Father’s words, that haven’t made a lick of sense yet. Charity event, yeah. He hasn’t wrapped his head around it. But he knew what exactly what it should entail, but commercials…announcing him…a virgin... all through Paris. Oh god! He could scream!!

Instead, Adrien settled for, “What?”

His Father’s eyes narrowed. If Adrien didn’t get his shit together, then he could be playing into the grounding hands of never leaving this house again. And he could kiss school goodbye for today…maybe that wouldn’t be a terrible thing today. But he didn’t want to be trapped in this house with a man who claimed to be his father, who was auctioning him off for all claims of ‘his future’.

Yeah, instead, he cleared his throat, pulled up his metaphorical boxer briefs and met his Father’s eyes.

“You have one week to ‘wrap your head’ around this. During that week, Nathalie will supply you with research on women, expect you to pick out an engagement ring, and complete your new workout regiment for the photoshoots. Am I clear?”

“Yes Father.”

Adrien did not dare to watch his Father leave the room; he didn’t really care at all. Nathalie was talking to him, he could see her mouth moving, but couldn’t pick up a sound. Then she followed the man who claimed to be his father. After having the thread of hope that his Father cared about anything in his life, vanished. Everything that his Father said, everything was for the company and for him. His whole future gone with a few sentences. His whole experience with physical love shriveled into nothingness. Adrien bit his lip and warmth began to gather in his eyes. In fact, he pushed his plate away, looking at the prison food that soured in his mouth. On autopilot, he stood from the table, and soldiered onward. 

His school bag drummed at his hip as he left the house. Sunshine danced over his face, but he felt nothing. He climbed into the car and it shook when Gorilla sat in the drivers’ seat. The car rumbled under his body, but he didn’t care. The radio played; Adrien flinched when he heard his name…so his Father announced to the world, something private that should have been shared with someone he loved, over the radio. Then silence enveloped the car. Adrien blinked at the box in front of his face. A tissue box. He grabbed it with a heavy inhale and a trembling lip.

And if Adrien cried in the car to school, Gorilla never looked at him. 

He was thankful for it.

Although, traffic was quicker than usual. In the distance, he could see the school building. Adrien pieced himself together, tucking the used tissues into the pockets of his jeans. He slapped his cheeks and looked in the rearview mirror. His eyes were red, cheeks blotchy, nothing that could pinpoint that he had been crying, he could also use allergic reaction to make up as an excuse if anybody said anything. 

As they pulled up to the school, he could see them. His best friends. Nino, Alya, Marinette, all looking around. The matching relief on their faces were easy to read as his car pulled up to a stop to the curb. They were waiting for him. He wordlessly handed Gorilla the tissue box. He pulled the strap on his shoulder and got out of the car.

Adrien mindlessly plastered on his smile as he approached his friends. He caught the car drive off around the corner. Too late to turn around. Not that he wanted to, going to school was his freedom, and having friends were his escape.

And he was greeted with three emotions simultaneously.

“Dude…” Worried.

Crossed arms from Alya. Pissed off.

Avoiding his eyes with red cheeks from Marinette. Her hands fidgeted with her hair. Embarrassment. 

How his three friends mirror every single emotion he was feeling, Adrien didn’t know. But it was their emotions that broke him, and he slumped, disregarding in modeling training to be himself just for a second. 

“You saw it…”  
Adrien saw as the three of them shared a look. 

“It was hard to miss,” stated Alya gingerly. “They played it on every channel. Radio too. I had a very quiet morning at my house.”

“There’s no such thing as a quiet morning at your house, Alya,” countered Marinette. 

The girls shared a laugh, that gave Adrien a bit of hope of normalcy for the day.

“Do you know much money he had to spend to do that?” questioned Nino, glancing at Adrien playfully, elbowing his ribs at the same time. “Are you broke yet?”

A snort of laughter escaped Adrien as he batted Nino’s arm away, then he chortled, then full on laughter. Was he broke? Money wise? Probably not? Was he broken? Possibly… but with his friends… he could pretend that he wasn’t. He wiped his eyes again. Tears from sadness. Tears from laughter. What was next? In his laughter, he answered brokenly. “I…don’t…think…so.”

“Nino, I think you just broke him…” remarked Alya. Then she elbowed Marinette. “What do you think Marinette?”

“I…”

The school bell went off before Marinette could finish her sentence. He could see the creeping panic of stammering, blushing, and nervousness that was just her, and her alone. He patiently waited for her to gather herself. Instead, Adrien saw her eyes hardened, bright, fierce determination shone within the bluebell tones. They shone like twin jewels in the bright sunlight as she laced her arm through his, then her other arm linked through Alya’s. She stomped up those school steps in her ballet slipper shoes, as if his defender, his everyday Ladybug to help him with his problem. His heart jumped just a bit. 

The sunlight was warm on his face. He borrowed her strength as they marched into the school. And if he grabbed her hand, that caused her stumble, he helped her right. After all, he needed his army to march into battle that was school drama. And the silence that fell in the student body when he entered.

Something squeezed his hand. He didn’t have to look to know. He just squeezed back. He had friends, and they had his back. 

The silence of the school carried past them as they walked together.


	4. Chapter 3: Hello World…Everyone Knows that Golden Boy Agreste is a Virgin…Can a Person Die of Embarrassment? Yes, it hasn’t Been Proven Yet, But Adrien is Determined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just letting you guys know now, that this chapter is shorter than usual. And It may be last update for a while because Christmas is coming and I'm making handmade presents this year. So, if and when I get this last gift made I will be finishing the longest chapter that I've been working on, then another update will happen. Thank you for all the kudos and comments. They are awesome.

Chapter 3: Hello World…Everyone Knows that Golden Boy Agreste is a Virgin…Can a Person Die of Embarrassment? Yes, it hasn’t Been Proven Yet, But Adrien is Determined

The confidence he felt disappeared when they broke apart to put their belongings away. Nino still had his back and walked side by side with him. Adrien just listened as Nino talked away about his music, anything to hide the heavy fog of silence in the air. If only, words can hide their eyes. 

There wasn’t a lot of judgement, mostly pity, hell, if it someone else was going through what he was, he was have pity for them too. Instead, he was just pitiful for himself. After all, he was being treated like a stud, without ever doing anything…and that was the problem too. 

Adrien got his books out for the first class of the day. And the girls were waiting in the hallway for them. It was too narrow to hold each other like before. But having Nino flank him on one side, surprisingly Alya on his other side, and even more surprisingly was Marinette, in front of him. Almost a head shorter than he was, but here she was being his shield. His heart jumped…just a bit. Grateful for tiny girl who was preparing to be taking his fire. His hand landed on her shoulder, squeezed once before letting go.

Her cheeks were painted in a rosy hue. It was just Marinette the way she was.

And the door slid open. The multiple conversations that carried in the air fell mute as they walked in. He heard his name too many times to count. Him, and his own bodyguards. Adrien mutely snickered to himself… would this scene make Gorilla jealous? What was wrong with him? He always found humor in the wrong places. The commercial rang out on someone’s device, echoing about the details of what exactly is up for auction. He caught ‘corruption of innocence under your fingertips’…Oh god!

The room went quiet with a small tap, and the point fully clearing of one’s throat. “Adrikins, this is unexpected of you. You see, Sabrina and I talked all morning, and there should be no way that you’re still a virgin...”

Was the pause in her sentence an invite to defend himself? Adrien could just imagine himself straightening up his tie and clearing his throat. Either declaring that he wasn’t a virgin…and that would be lying…so that’s no-no. Or he could proudly declare that he was in fact, an intact budding flower. Or he could get pissed off, considering that as seventeen and eighteen-year old, there could be more important things to do…not including if you sleep with somebody. But as fate would allow it, the pause in Chloe’s sentence was not an invite, but a dramatic pause. 

“Since daddy is the mayor, I will be at the Barely charity auction. I can’t wait to see you.”

Then the commercial rang out again. Sounding as if were on loop. Was he in hell already? His loop in hell should be something other than that! Maybe he was dead from embarrassment…that would be a first and a last. Even if someone couldn’t die from embarrassment…if anyone could get that to work…he would be able to. He was a prodigy of some sorts. 

He couldn’t help the blush that dusted on his face after Chloe’s words, heavy with meaning that he didn’t want or welcome. Adrien just wanted to climb onto a desk and shout that his heart, mind, and body belonged to one woman alone! Maybe in hopes that she would hear it…. 

He looked down. Hopefully, it would get easier if he were just to ‘give it up’ in one week’s time. His Father had picked out someone he knows, someone of upper class. Adrien bit back the cringe factor as he flickered over to look at Chloe, who was happily preening into a mirror. After he would give his virginity…he would be getting married to the same girl…Adrien closed his eyes… and prayed to the little kwami god of good luck…anyone but Chloe. 

In the momentarily shut down of his senses, he woke up to sitting at his desk with Nino at his side. And hushed conversations that drifted in the room. Like he was a dirty secret on display. Well, it was no longer a secret….and the only secret was how bad the commercial was from him. 

Adrien was going to change that. He turned in his seat. Alya was on her phone and Marinette was seemingly looking like she was concentrating on something on her tablet. 

“Alya, show me the commercial.”

Her arms crossed over each other with a hardened shake of her head. “No way.”

“But why?” God, he could hear the pout in those two words. Much Pout. Wows Oh. Adrien resisted retorting in a meme in return. He smirked like he would if he were Chat Noir, attempting to smooth talk his fans. “Come on.”

Her arms crossed over again, and she imitated a gameshow buzzer. “Because sunshine boys don’t need to see nasty things like that.”

Nino snorted. “Did you just call him sunshine boy?”

Alya shrugged. “It was either that, buttercup, or cinnamon bun.”

Adrien titled his head sideways, “Why buttercup?”

“Well…” Alya scratched her chin thoughtfully. “It all started when Marinette…”

Just from her name alone, Marinette jerked alive in the bench, schoolbooks went flying in every which way. Adrien took a book to the face. That made Nino burst out laughing. Marinette hugged onto Alya’s arm with panic, shame, and horror etched on her features. “Don’t Alya! I’m sorry, Adrien!”

Adrien laughed shared a look with Nino, who was just as curious as he was. Nino was all the encouragement she needed, “Do Alya.”

With a wink at Nino, Alya inhaled, only to be stopped by Marinette’s hand over her mouth. “I created codes with flowers for the girls in the classroom.”  
“But I’m not a girl.”

And no one could see Alya’s hardcore smirk under Marinette’s hand. But it was there. The blush grew on Marinette’s face and it was by luck that saved her with Ms. Mendeleiev marching through the door. Marinette quickly gathered up her things. Chemistry on Monday morning. Silence followed as the professor glared at the students, and they quickly got down to business…. Now…Adrien had that song stuck in his head. At least, he felt something like a smile on his face for the rest of the class. 

He even tapped his pen to it. And low humming joined in with it, from his side, and behind him.

Now if only defeating the Huns for Mulan was just as easy as solving his current problem…Adrien would be all set. Yeah, oh he knew that defeating the Huns was not easy at all, but a boy could dream right?

He just to sit through two more lessons, then lunch. 

Thinking of lunch…made his stomach growl. Not loudly. Not yet.

Adrien wished he ate something. 

Then flashes of what exactly happened at breakfast squashed any idea that he wanted food. But that is the beauty of an idea, it is untouchable…meanwhile, the body is a machine…in which demands nourishment. Plagg knew full well of that relationship. It was a toxic relationship…Plagg and cheese. 

Adrien investigated his front shirt pocket, curled inside was the tiny kwami god of destruction, sleeping away with a bubble hanging from his mouth, snoring happily. Adrien’s nose wrinkled as the scent of moldy cheese drifted upward to pollute the air in front of him. And Adrien resisted the urge to poke him and disturb his cat nap in justification of said rank cheese air. Instead, he gave the kwami god a tiny pat pat to the head. Then returned to the notes spread among the board. 

Apparently, he had spaced out, and truly had to get down to business. 

His concentration struggled every few minutes with Chloe giving literal meme heart eyes, then eyeballing him like he was a Greek god.   
He had to get down to business…of schoolwork…and nothing having to do with sex. Which is hard for an eighteen-year-old boy. So, so hard…Difficult…is a better word for that. And as much as he thought about it before all of this…he just didn’t want to think about.

Why was it so confusing!?

Adrien prayed to the little kwami god again. Please give him a solution, reprieve, and some sanity. In that order please.


	5. Chapter 4: Problem Solutions Equals Brainstorming Ways Adrien Gets Laid Between a Lovely Pair of Thighs on His Own…or it Would be Easier to Find a Solution if Adrien Was Bi…Everyone Decides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just finished up my whopper chapter...and off to write the next one.

Chapter 4: Problem Solutions Equals Brainstorming Ways Adrien Gets Laid Between a Lovely Pair of Thighs on His Own…or it Would be Easier to Find a Solution if Adrien Was Bi…Everyone Decides

It was a beautiful day in Paris, and in the park where they decided to have a picnic for their lunch break. The birds were singing. Car horns were honking in traffic somewhere. Adrien took in the laughter and smiles all around him. The sunshine danced over his face, and the wind caressed over his skin. This could be nirvana. Just for an hour.

“It would a lot easier if you were bisexual,” remarked Alya after taking a sip of her drink.

And now, Adrien decided it wasn’t heaven. 

And this was the second meal of the day that Adrien choked on. At least he didn’t get whiplash from when Nino patted him on the back. And he was handed a bottle of water for his troubles. Nino was awesome. He would make a great husband someday…that is if Alya survived this lunch…

Sorry Nino.

“The playing field would be open if you would just try it.”

Just like she said Nino…there was a playing field…and he was young. 

Now, Adrien choked down his water, with eyes watering as well and his face feeling as if on fire. When he could speak, he asked, “Why do we have to keep talking about it so casually?”

“And loudly,” Nino interjected pointfully. His golden eyes flickered to the people around them, who were enjoying their picnics before they came along. “Behave Alya. We are trying to help him find a solution, not cause more problems for sunshine boy here.”

“Seriously?” 

The couple shared a snicker between themselves. Adrien glanced at the only person who hasn’t yet been…obnoxious in their help. The girl next to him was biting her lip and had a daring blush on her face that could rival an apple…or a tomato. It was just his friend Marinette being herself.

“Are you okay, Marinette?”

The quiet girl nodded, and stammered out, “I’mmmm okkaayy. Justtt think..ing of-“ Then Marinette inhaled and exhaled, “of ways to help.”

Adrien smiled. She was strong, focused, and determined to push through it. He grabbed her hands in his, thankful for a friend that was so understanding and kind, and not at all teasing him like the two traitors across from him, even though he loved them. “Thank you, please tell me that you have a better idea than the possibility experimenting with my sexual spectrum.”

“Well…”

Then Adrien’s face fell flat, dejected by those he loves most, and their lousy ideas. “I’m not bi. I just never thought of guys like that.” He bit his tongue…resisting the urge to quote that ‘it was all about the ladies’…cause well, it wasn’t. Again, waving his arms here…ladybug come save him!

“So, what sunshine boy is saying here is that we need to find him a lovely pair of thighs to get between…” Alya announced quietly then popped her mouth, “to pop his cherry.”  
“Before the end of the week,” Adrien tacked on with an included eyeroll and a heavy sigh. God, he sounded insensitive, and much like a player it made his stomach turn. But even with his disgusting status of a virgin, turning playboy, did not stop him from eating a croissant that Marinette brought to lunch. 

God, he almost moaned as the flaky crust touch his lips. 

Then he heard snickers from his pocket.

No moaning at lunch…

He would be better than Plagg and his love for cheese. 

Adrien glared down at his pocket, so…so…tempted to bop it…but he was among friends, and revenge would have to wait. Instead, he popped the whole croissant into his mouth, and quietly listened to his friend’s conversation as he chewed. He grabbed another croissant…in deep denial that he wasn’t turning into Plagg.

At least croissants are better than cheese.

He had better taste than that.

“Before the end of the week,” reaffirmed Alya. Her dark brown eyes flickered between everyone, “Any ideas?”

“What’s your type, Dude?”

“Oh! Good question!” Alya and Nino high-fived. 

Adrien reflected on Nino’s question for a few minutes…maybe not as deeply as he should when he answered, “Short dark hair.”

Both Alya and Nino looked just as bit as done with him as he was with them and their lovely caring friendship antics. Nino held out his hands questionably, “That’s it? That’s all you want to pop your virginity before you are sold away?”

Mentioning this thing about his father, it made Adrien grumpy, and hella reflective to answer their questions properly. Adrien closed his eyes, imagining red and black in front of him. 

“I want a smile that matches the brightness of the moon, blue eyes that sparkle like the stars, and personality that can express so much emotion…I can’t even put a label on it. I want her to be able to play with me, kick me in the ass if I needed, and sometimes if I don’t. I want her stubborn, and worried and bashful, and blushing. I want her to know how beautiful she is, and I want to know her without the mask.”

And upon hearing the birds’ tweet in the trees above him. Adrien remembered where he was, who he was with, and what he had said. Not the moonlight. Not Ladybug in front of him. But with his friends, who have matching expressions of surprise to his waxing poetry and his heartfelt ode. And Marinette who was buried in her hands. Why couldn’t Ladybug respond like that?

“Dude…was that a type? Or were you describing someone?”

And there was no hope to save him…because of Alya. And she was so freaking smart for her own good. “Without her mask…you have a thing for Ladybug?”

“Uh…” and Adrien couldn’t formulate words fast enough to save himself. And sweet, best friend, Nino saved him. Adrien resisted so hard to put his hand to his chest in pure appreciation of his friend.

“You have a thing for Ladybug. As I recall you said something about getting in between a bug and cat sandwich.”

And now his heart stopped. Alya…wanted to bang Chat Noir…and Ladybug at the same time? There was a small noise from next to him. And in his pain, at least, Marinette shared the same look of horrification.

And Alya being Alya, waved their reactions away with her hand, unphased, and unbashful about her sexuality. “Please, who wouldn’t? Have you seen Chat’s ass in leather? Cause buns of steel. Or Ladybug in her suit…curves in all the right places. Besides Nino, we have also talked about your swinging scale for one Chat Noir, what was it, thirty percent gay for the man?”

“Alya…”

“Nino…I also said that I’m happy with you and if I got to see them going at it, it would be beautiful as well.”

Adrien being himself and not Chat Noir now, just quietly bit into the croissant into his hand. Meanwhile he so mentally agreed that his lady, had all the right curves in all the right places. And was quite flattered about the state of his ass in his leather suit, after all, leather was not very forgiving. And while as Adrien and Nino…total bromance. Again, flattered, but no. 

And with Alya’s fantasy…Adrien so crossed his fingers. Please. 

“Alya…let’s get back to Adrien’s problem,” Marinette stated. Her cheeks were at all time high…it was a tomato apple baby level red. It was super close to Ladybug’s suit color ironically. And Adrien appreciated how she wrangled two of their most mischievous friends with a simple phrase. He gave her a small smile. What a great friend!

Marinette cleared her throat, “So besides Ladybug, who else could there be?”

“Again, too bad you’re not bisexual Adrien, you and Chat would be interesting together,” Alya tilted her head to the side, lasering onto his facial features. He had the resemblance of being a slide under a microscope. “Marinette, I know I’ve said this before, but Adrien could be Chat.”

And Marinette was busy choking on air while Alya studied him. Adrien pulled at the collar of his shirt. Rubbed the back of his neck. All the while, his mind screaming abort, abort, abort! And again, Nino came to the rescue and the angels sang his praises. 

“The dude is too busy to even be Chat. Besides, his dad never lets him leave the house unattended. There’s no way.”

Adrien smiled brightly and agreeing eagerly. “You are so right Nino. If I was Chat Noir, I would have been busted a long time ago.”

From those words, Alya’s study seemed to have vanished, and the school bell rang in the distance. 

They quickly packed everything up, discarded their trash, and left the park as the found it. Alya and Nino walked behind him, whispering at each other in conversation. He could feel their eyes on him. So, he ignored it, and turned his eyes to the girl beside him. Marinette looked thoughtful and swung the basket in between them. He grabbed the handle as well, after all he enjoyed their picnic together. 

“Are you worried?”

Her question came as soft as the breeze, but he heard it. 

“Of them?” He asked, nodding his head to the couple behind them, “Or what I’m going to have to do?”

Marinette smiled. It was bright like sunshine, and as playful as the wind, her eyes as bright as the sunrays that danced in her short dark hair. “Alya and Nino are planning something, whatever they are doing or plotting, they are trying to help. I was meaning…”

Her words trailed off as she looked down. Leaving Adrien cold, if she couldn’t finish her thoughts around him, especially when she had tripped over her words…did she actually like him? 

“You shouldn’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”

Her words were a jolt to his heart. They cemented everything that he had been holding down, back, and swallowed. Doing this, going through with this, was no different than being…

He wasn’t going to finish that thought. 

But someone gave voice to his little romantic heart, and somewhat encouraged it to rise from the ashes…and he was grateful. 

“Thank you, Marinette.”

The whispers continued behind them until the reached the stairs of the school. Adrien let out an ‘manly’ squeak as he was turned around, manhandled just by his shoulder alone. He faced Alya and Nino, who were both smiling at him…much like the creepy clown that lived in the sewer. Didn’t it eat children?

“We want you to write a list of names of all the girls that may check some of your boxes,” Alya stated with a wink and a finger check mark in the air. A hand on her curvy form left little of what he should be looking for.

Then Nino added, “Then we’ll each make a list of our own and ask Max to compile the results.”  
“I really don’t to get anyone else involved…”

And there goes his voice again. Thick and heavy with shame. 

Which was eliminated by a touch on the shoulder, and pat of the back, and seven words...she hadn’t stuttered them either.  
“We are your friends, let us help.”

Adrien slumped again…his chiropractor was going to hate him. “How long will that take?”

Alya clapped her hands together in excitement. “I was texting Max as we came back to school. If we get started now, we should get results tonight!”  
Again…he loved his friends…so much…It was unusual to have someone take care of him like this…It was warm. 

Adrien watched as Alya and Nino shared another high five and climbed the stairs together for the second half of the day. Adrien glanced down at Marinette, who weakly smiled at him. He held out his arm for her, and her smile…truly bloomed. 

They raced arm and arm up the stairs together. 

The smile on her face made his heartbeat just a little harder.


	6. Chapter 5: Listing Girls Doesn’t Make the Deadline Disappear…Or Whereas…Lila Tells Everyone Who’s Going to Bang Her…Adrien Unhappily Makes it Clear that it’s the Other Way Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Another update!

Chapter 5: Listing Girls Doesn’t Make the Deadline Disappear…Or Whereas…Lila Tells Everyone Who’s Going to Bang Her…Adrien Unhappily Makes it Clear that it’s the Other Way Around

Now, the second half of the day was truly hell. Firstly, He sat in the classroom making a list of girls that he wouldn’t mind banging. Even thinking it like that…it made his skin crawl. Sorry, his ‘banging’ list was short and meaningless, just like his life. 

There was no purpose adding any more names to the list because unlike his father’s views of his virginity, he wanted to mean something. Everything that he had ever watched and read built up the importance of the ‘moment’. He had ideas, so many of them that he had eventually lost count. But the scenario that made his little romantic heart drum…. There was candlelight, roses, soft music, and the grand finale would be short declarations of love…is that too much to ask for?

But his life wasn’t a movie, cartoon, or even in the great books of romance. He was lucky that he got small doses of affection here and there…even when he wasn’t ready at all. Instead, Adrien was sitting here, in his quiet classroom. Not completely silent, with one cough here, the echoes of poking on the tablet of his fellow students taking notes, and Ms. Bustier explaining something that they should have known all their lives. 

His tablet was empty and sitting on the desk before him. And next to it, was the piece of paper that he should be writing names down on. Adrien dipped his head, thinking of a cross between what he was doing, and a death god’s notebook…and what would it be called…

The thought only distracted him for a moment before really taking in what he should be doing. Making a list of girls…again, here comes the nasty playboy, not actually a playboy feeling. Half of the girls in this classroom were with someone. And while Adrien, was himself, he just was not comfortable enough to ask another guy, ‘Hey, your girlfriend checks some of my boxes, could she deflower me really quick and I’ll give her right back? Okay?’ Enter innocent anime blinky eyes here. 

Yeah, that wasn’t going to work. 

Besides no one, Adrien means, no one, would check off boxes unless they were her. He kept telling people that… or not. Adrien kept telling himself that. Now, he wondered how Alya and everyone else would react if he said that he was in love with Ladybug. Out loud, in the open, and to other people. Maybe he should have, maybe in their grand scheme of things, Ladybug would help him out and having her deflower him…

Icing on the cake. 

And all his daydreams refused to come to mind, due to the fact, that they may never ever ever become a reality. And again, the reality of his predicament crashed over him…Heh…he made a pun.

Predicament or not, Adrien resisted the urge to bash his head. Or to even hit it on the desk. He settled with burying his hands in his hair…it made him feel a little better. Rest in peace daydreams.

He was at least seventy-five percent that Nathalie said he had a photoshoot coming up. Adrien shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t care. Wow. He didn’t care. So, he could hit his head on the desk, or make a bald spot. 

Maybe if he made himself super ugly…the whole thing would be cancelled. 

Then he could run away to an opera house, teach young woman how to sing, wear a mysterious mask and slowly descend into madness as he wrote music… minus the kidnapping, killing people, and setting the said opera house on fire. While it wasn’t an ideal plan, Adrien placed it on the mental list of back up plans. 

Right beside taking his cousin Felix’s life and stealing his identity…that could get messy though. But he had friends that could help him hide a body. 

Even in all of that. The week deadline to pop his cherry, losing his virginity, losing his innocence, deflower his garden, intercourse, a beast with two backs, swiping the v-card, bump uglies, sleep together…make love…His little romantic heart just can’t take it! 

Adrien just sat there and pouted with his hands in his hair. 

Now revisiting why, the second half of the day also made his day worse. Secondly, well, he didn’t know that it was this bad. They were in Ms. Bustier literature class; it was a class that he enjoyed really. Especially when the classics were involved. Thusly enter classic bad guy villainy.

Not Hawk Moth, sorry. Adrien was disappointed.

Lila Rossi. 

And the first words out of her mouth? 

Not ‘Hi Everyone I missed you’. Lie.

Not ‘I just got back from…whatever I was…’ also lie. 

Not ‘I’m a liar, liar,’ wait a second…that was the truth! 

“Hi Adrien, I can’t wait to have you all to myself at Barely charity auction. Your father told you everything, right? About us? The month plans?”

He entered shock. Oh no, instead, she switched on the oozing sex appeal. Emphasis on oozing. While the other boys blushed in the room as she sauntered over to him. Adrien, himself, hi! Someone help? How the hell did she cross the room so fast when she was trying to use the classroom as a runway and attach herself on his arm? He liked that arm; it was his favorite and there she was pulling it like she owned it. If Hell were on Earth, Lila Rossi would be pulling on a lot more appendages on his body soon. Gross.

Anybody but Chloe and Lila, please and thank you! 

“I can’t wait for you to touch me and make me yours. I have been waiting for you, and I’m so glad that you waited for me. Especially after we gave each other purity rings.” Her eyes flickered down to his Miraculous. 

Was she implying what he thought she was implying? Oh, you’ve gotten to be shitting me. 

Adrien detached the leech called Lila from his arm with a model smile. Now, she could hang on his arm, make references to dick riding, but no one messes with his Miraculous.

“I’m sorry Lila, I don’t remember getting a purity ring from you. You see, I’ve had this ring since I was fourteen…and just as I started school here. There should be no way that you gave this to me.”

Not unless she was an old man who had a fondness of Hawaiian shirts…Sorry Master Fu. The savage meme flashed through his head, enter sunglasses, air horn, and a fast dab. Where was a mic when he needed one? 

“Of course, Adrien, I must have been mistaken. I had picked one out like that while on vacation, I mailed it to you. Did you get it?”

Well shit. 

“No…” Adrien replied carefully. 

“So, the auction brought you back in town?”

Oh, she was a lifesaver. Her hands fixed on her hips; her mouth pursued into a frown. Adrien felt his legs get a little weak…what was wrong with him? As Marinette stared down at Lila as if she were something more disgusting than finding month old cheese under his bed, in his favorite pair of slippers…and then putting your feet in them…Just his experience? Okay then. Adrien could still feel the rotting stench burn his nostrils, make his eyes water, and violently dry heave. God, there was still echoes of Plagg’s cackling over shoulder as he became miserable best friends with porcelain. 

Lila’s voice carried her lie so smoothly, it could be considered peanut butter. Green eyes hesitantly batted at him, and the performance of a trembling lip, her body shouting nervous… but to anyone who looked carefully… raises hand…She was full of shit. “I was begged to let him touch me for charity, you see. Anything for a good cause.”

Her eyes met his, narrowed to the point of telling him to play along. But everyone knows that a good kitty only plays when he wants to. He sure as hell didn’t. “I’m pretty sure that this arrangement is planned the other way around. You might say, ‘you were begged’, but I’m the one whose being auctioned off. Tell me, who’s consent is more at risk? Because if you were being auctioned, I wouldn’t touch you with or without it.”

And there were hisses in the air resembling leaking tires, angry cats, and air under pressure from all around them. From the reactions…Ouch. Now that the words fell from his mouth. They were harsh, cruel, and in the depths of his mind, true. But even if they were his truth…it wasn’t like ‘him’. He wasn’t completely a jerk, and he should have had more tack…and had this conversation in private. And apologize for taking his frustrations out on her.

Just as his apology dangled from his lips. Lila grinned at him, “I know that you are just nervous, I’ll take care of you.”

And been more calculative in his retort. He felt his adam’s apple bob in his throat…and the burning of his eyes were back. She didn’t hear his words at all. Instead, disregarded his feelings for herself. He could hear the lock and chain inside his head already. If her words had any bit of truth to them…no matter how small…he would be transferred into a different lifelong prison.

Adrien just stood there. Blinked once. And inhaled sharply. 

Silence fell over the classroom, not even Ms. Bustier happy personality and pep could defeat the tension in the room. And Adrien had enough surprises in one day. Without glancing at any of his classmates, not even his defender, he packed up his things and walked out of classroom, out of the school, and if he could walk out of his life…that would be nice too. 

Where does Felix live again?

London…just seems too far away. 

Adrien walked home, with his head held down, in hopes that no one would recognize him either from the billboards that littered around Paris, or from the commercial. 

Either way, he was done with school today. Done feeling shameful today. Done with feeling like he had no choice, no freedom, and no control.   
He stopped in the middle of the street. He heard his name on the radio once more. God, the commercial was horrid. He…hadn’t seen the one they played on the television yet. 

‘Corruption of innocence’

‘Touch him like you own him’ 

‘Be his first’ 

He shook from down his head to his toes. At eighteen years old, he should be looking forward to so much more. He was hopeful last night. Now, it is a new day. One that Adrien would like to forget soon. The information on how to donate, and sign up to attend echoed past his ears, presenting him with another wave of rage, indignation, and unfairness.

If his father was going to control his life…

He was going to take it back…little by little. 

In fact, his whole schedule was about to be clear. 

Adrien ducked into a darkened alley way and looked over his shoulder. Then tucked his school bag away, hopefully from prying eyes and safe keeping. 

“Plagg, Claws out!”

The kwami god was pulled from his shirt and downward, turning his silver ring into black. Green crackles of energy danced over his skin as his suit appeared out of thin air. The domino mask powered over his skin, hiding his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose, and making his eyes catlike green, Adrien felt lighter. The ears fixed into his loose gel-free hair, and the flattering black leather gave him the hug that he so desperately needed now. Once the last of the green crackles vanished, he whipped his baton from the small of his back and did what he did best.

Paris was at awe with the black leather cat bouncing through the bright sunlight, and Adrien was free momentarily from everything in his life. And he enjoyed every minute of it. He grinned wildly, whooping out a meowastic serenade, and blowing air kisses out to anyone who yelled his name.

It was love of being a superhero, know that he does something great for the citizens of Paris.

It was different from the love of being famous.

Within the suit, the kwami of destruction was proud of his rebellious kitten…and looked forward to all cheese! It would be a buffet! A feast! A celebration! 

And this time, he didn’t destroy anything like the dinosaurs!

Tikki would be so proud.


End file.
